i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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