They should really pass out barf bags in church
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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