Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
