I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
