My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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