And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
