My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying