you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
