Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
