I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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