I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
