Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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