I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
