You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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