My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
