And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
