When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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