I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
