My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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