she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
