you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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