Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
that's an acceptable place to lick
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
