Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
