The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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