My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
