new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
