Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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