Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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