Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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