So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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