I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
