I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
