i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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