Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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