i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
