Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
