Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
