Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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