the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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