We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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