I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
