I should be sponsored by Trojan
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize