I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
