the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
