non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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