A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dicks are not precious.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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