this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
