My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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