I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
