I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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