I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
