I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
