We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
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My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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