I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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