and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
