Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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