The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
