fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
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