So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
