two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
