wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
