Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
